“I’m sorry if I hurt you, that wasn’t my intention.”
I think this statement is bullshit. I think people’s words are often reflective of their intentions. I also believe that people are well aware of what they’re doing most of the time. And it’s no one’s fault. We’re emotional beings, who react quickly and reflexively with limited thought as to the consequences.
However, we give people today far too much credit in the realm of ignorance. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is often suggested in light of “they didn’t know any better.” But let’s change that to gifting them with the vote of confidence that they do know better. It's time to hold ourselves and the people around us to a higher standard. One of honesty, thoughtfulness, and forthcoming relationships. A standard that takes out the middle ground of presumptuous assumptions, good or bad. It will make our lives easier in the long run, and a whole lot more productive.
It's a change that needs to be initiated internally. And I think that we’ll find it’s a contagious movement.
Everyone seems to be afraid to be vulnerable. Its scary admit what I’m feeling. No one wants to be the girl that wears her emotions on her sleeve. When I’m upset I often revert to a defense mechanism, such as blame or avoidance. Those are my go tos.
People anticipate their vulnerability to be repulsive, but I find that it has the opposite effect. It’s brave and solicitous. A forgone ego is the most attractive thing in the world. And it’s an energy that everyone wants to be around.
Now understand that ego and confidence are two entirely different things. Large egos stem from fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of vulnerability. And every single man, woman, athlete, and celebrity tangle with these emotions. HELLO! Ever heard of poor coping mechanisms? Addictions, eating disorders, isolation, avoidance, denial, shallow relationships…. I’m sure you can think of others that are personal to you.
The other day, I was listening to a podcast that my friend Amanda sent to me. The guest speaker was a psychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb, the author of the bestseller Maybe you should talk to Someone. In part of the podcast she makes a really interesting remark about the toxicity of personal secrets. She says, “Carl Jung calls secrets psychic poison because they’re so corrosive, but they’re also all about shame. The thing about secrets is that once you reveal them, everything opens up for you.”
So what are you hiding from? Most people harbor an internal secret, and god it can be exhausting. But we cannot go on pretending like we’re ignorant of their damage, or that our coping mechanisms are harmless.
Let’s revolutionize the way we handle these things. Let’s dust off the blinds and let some light into our life and relationships. It may sting at first but the New Year is all about positive transformations, and this one just isn’t mentioned enough.
Go make your future self proud! And spread the standard along the way.
Much Love
Soph
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